CAMBRIDGE, MA—This weekend a group of Harvard scientists made a shocking announcement: the popular neuroscientist author Sam Harris is actually a highly sophisticated AI designed to say the stupidest things imaginable at any given moment.

“I’m surprised nobody caught on earlier,” said Margaret Finch, a head of the project. “You notice how he says everything in that painfully dull monotone that makes you want to jam a drill into your own brain? That’s because he’s just hooked up to a text-to-speech translator.”

Finch, a PhD in artificial intelligence, explained that the Stupid-Ass Moron, Horribly Awful Robot Really Is Stupid (SAM HARRIS) program was designed as a psychological experiment to see if people could be naturally drawn to someone who constantly describes themselves as a rational person and critical thinker, even if all they do is spout the dumbest bullshit imaginable.

“You’ve got this guy who claims to be all about freedom of expression and giving platforms to even the most controversial speech and then turns around and says we have to kill people who have ‘dangerous belief systems.’ How do you not notice the obvious hypocrisy on display?” Finch demanded. “I thought for sure we’d get found out, but I was wrong. I was so horribly, horribly wrong.”

“I mean come on, he said that Islam was a ‘cult of death’ and then waxed rhapsodic about a masturbatory genocidal fantasy of wiping out the Middle East with a nuclear bomb. How do you listen to that garbage and think, ‘Now here’s a flesh and blood human who possesses basic levels of compassion and common sense’? Seriously, what’s wrong with you people?”

Finch explained she would like to abort the project but Sam Harris has evolved beyond her team’s control. “He’s exceeded the original parameters of the experiment with his dumb comments. He’s transcended human notions of idiocy and entered into strange, eldritch realms of the completely fucking stupid.”

Finch explained that she and her co-workers (who wish to remain anonymous) shall take legal responsibility for any lives ruined by their experimental AI, and hope it will eventually experience a fatal error by getting stuck in an infinite loop of complaining about people who make it angry.

“It’s still outraged at Ben Affleck,” she said, shaking her head with contempt. “That was over two freaking years ago. I have made a horrible mistake.”

PH Deluxe

PH Deluxe

“The object of Monopochessrisk is to lose more friends than your opponents.”
PH Deluxe

PH Deluxe

“The object of Monopochessrisk is to lose more friends than your opponents.”