CUPERTINO, CA—Amid crashing stock prices and dwindling profit shares, Apple CEO Tim Cook revealed a statistical metric on Monday that could spell disaster for the American tech giant’s future operations: Apple’s Steve Joblessness rate has reached an astounding 100 percent.

In his statement to the press, Cook—also known among Apple shareholders as Timmy “Not Steve Jobs” Cook—mumbled indistinct words like, “Innovation…we need flexibility…cloud computing…the future.” Not-Steve Jobs gulped anxiously and continued: “Everybody just chill out. It’ll be fine. I mean, we’ve got iTunes…”

The company currently employs approximately 100,000 people, and reportedly none of them are named Steve Jobs.

Thinkpiece

"I plead guilty. Also, insanity."

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Thinkpiece

“I plead guilty. Also, insanity.”