News and Politics

Al Gore: “Wait, You Can Do That?”

“Now look, don’t misunderstand me, I’m nothing like Trump,” Gore later told the Hybrid Herald. “It’s just that—and you may be too young to remember—but 2000 was a pretty close race. And I probably should have won except for Nader and the Florida hanging chads, that’s pretty much the consensus. Plus I won the popular vote.”

By Prairie Kid, ago
News and Politics

Bondage Enthusiasts Declare for Cruz as ‘TrusTed’ Slogan Takes on New Meaning

“Like I get it, you’re meant to read it as ‘trusted’ or ‘trust Ted,’ but Ted Cruz is such an untrustworthy, lying rat bastard that it was like my mind prevented me from seeing it that way,” said Tina, a dominatrix who requested we print only her first name. “I can't help but read it as ‘truss Ted,’ which makes it sound like he wants to be tied up. What a ratfucker.”

By Prairie Kid, ago
News and Politics

Cruz Falls Asleep Making Plans for “Day One”

“‘And no power on earth could tell whether their blankly indifferent eyes were shutters protecting hidden treasures at the bottom of shafts no longer to be mined, or were merely gaping holes of the parasite's emptiness never to be filled,’” Heidi Cruz read from a worn copy of Atlas Shrugged. “All right, I think that’s a good stopping place for tonight, honey.” She closed the book and set it down on the nightstand, then leaned over her husband and gave him a quick peck on the nose.

By Prairie Kid, ago