"The Mega Kill Death Laser should never have been given enough funding and support by me to get as far as it has."
“Think of it this way: a person scrolling aimlessly through a Facebook feed has a lot in common with a blue whale feeding on krill, only we don’t have baleens to filter out the useless chaff.”
"I'm surprised nobody caught on earlier," said Margaret Finch, a head of the project. "You notice how he says everything in that painfully dull monotone that makes you want to jam a drill into your own brain? That's because he's just hooked up to a text-to-speech translator."
"For this piece,” Gordon said, changing tabs in Photoshop, “I have a piggy bank wearing one of those old-fashioned doctor headband things with the CD on it, except the piggy bank is a Republican elephant with this huge coin slot on its back so you can still tell it’s a piggy bank.”
We were warned that excessive political correctness, even just calling people racist, would lead to disaster. But we were fools who ignored the danger.
"Robotics systems are complex and delicate, and vulnerable to moisture," Hoop explained.
"If you consider the roles men and women traditionally played in ancient civilizations..."
“To start with, we all know this film has the superior romantic subplot of all Star Wars films. What I see when I watch Attack of the Clones is a precocious teenage boy pursuing an older woman and winning her over, largely against her wishes and her better judgment. That looks like true love to me.”
"The narrative of the noble weak vanquishing the overconfident strong underlies all our hopes and expectations about athletic contests. Problem is, the World Series is almost over, and I don’t have a loser to back yet.”