"Putin’s been much more receptive to criticism, knowing that he’s no longer the meager standard of attractiveness among world leaders," said President Obama in a recent interview. "It’s just a shame that soon the weight of the world will turn Justin into a dried up husk of a human, as it has done to myself. I used to be so young and fresh…so young and fresh…”
“If you cite enough articles in a Facebook argument, the necessity of justifying your own opinions vanishes. You can defend yourself with the opinions of professional scholars and critics and bloggers all day long, and if they try to argue, they’d only be fighting someone else—like Ta-Nehisi Coates!"
From the comfort of his office in the capitol, Rauner remains unmoved. “C’mon, people love to complain,” Rauner told The Hybrid Herald, “Just like when my EPA stopped mailing out those vehicle emissions testing reminders, and everyone made such a fuss—’you’re leaving behind the computer illiterate,’ yada yada—but I mean, if you still don’t know how to use a computer, why do you even have a car?”
911 calls were reported all across western Washington, claiming that aliens were broadcasting over the late-night FM channels. 911 responder Rachel Douglas gave us a firsthand account of the incident that’s being called a second “War of the Worlds” broadcast.
“Volver a su propio país,” Cruz said in broken Spanish. “Am I saying that right? Whatever, let’s just get those Mexicans back to where they belong. In Mexico! Or Mejico, as us Spanish speakers call it.”
“I see you guys have a couple coffee tables, that’s good,” muttered Brown as you showed him around the place. “Plenty of window sills, kitchen counter space, hardwood floors, this is really excellent guys..."
Picture this: it’s February 13th. The time is…whatever time you’re reading this at. You realize tomorrow’s a minor holiday, and you forgot to pick up a pack of those cool lenticular dinosaur valentines for your frands! Well, buck up, kiddo. Our team of crack scrungologists has been hard at work developing the perfect set of valentines, and best of all, they’re free! All you need is a color printer and a pair of scissors.
Clinton Interns Found Dressed as Panhandlers Outside Sanders Rally: “I’m Not Kidding, Just Give Me $1.”
“Hey man, you got a dollar?” asked Maria Choi, alleged panhandler. “Oh, and while I have you here, I happened to find all this Clinton merchandise in a dumpster. Do you want a free sticker or mug? I’m not even kidding. No? Fine, whatever man.”